Valentine’s Day with the Fallisses

Freddy and friends,

Happy Love Day, people.  This day of passion finds me soaring on wings of steel above the clouds. No, no, it isn’t Cupid that has me flying so high; it’s jet fuel.

I’m writing this as I travel Knoxvillewards from Naples. No, not that this Naples:

Naples, Italy: Birthplace of Pizza

But this one:

Home of Jane Seymour

This weekend was a generational extravaganza unlike any other. Mother, Elisabeth Leigh, and I voyaged deep into the heart of Florida to visit our dear grandmother, Chris “Muff” Fallis. There was no real reason for the trip other than the fact that we hadn’t seen Muff in awhile, none of us had plans, and we foolishly believed that Florida would be warm, so the Haslam ladies flew down to see the Fallisses (yes, pronounced like THAT) this past Friday.

Life in the fast lane with my 82 year-old grandma and her nearly-deaf husband Bob never disappoints. This time around, Bob even managed to call Leigh and me by the correct names 13% of the time, which is a career high in their nine years of marriage. Even though Muff has been through two surgeries and chemo after being diagnosed with breast cancer last June, she is as energetic and full of life as ever. On the other hand, this picture of me wearing her post-chemo wig proves that a bad haircut is all that stands between me and a possible future with a life partner who is on the women’s softball olympic team in ’12:

Anyway, that lady can rock.  Although I can’t say it’s the first time I’ve been a car in Florida while someone in the backseat drank scotch out of a solo cup, this time the offender was almost four times the age of those in the past. Here are some highlights of the trip:

*Friday I ate dinner staring into the deep and soulful eyes of Larry Byrd, who happened to be at the table across from us. It was magical.

*Saturday, we spent the day shopping, and Muff was a powerful ally. Considering I have $39 in my checking account right now (fear not, Father, I get a pay check tomorrow and do have a savings account that I am planning to blow on my South American adventures), it was simply miraculous to have Muff there telling Mom that she needed to buy me more “date” clothes now that I have a “beau”. Thankfully, Mom thinks all of my clothes now are horrible, so she is perfectly willing to buy me some if only to keep David around longer. In return, I had to promise to throw away any clothes that have holes, are stained, or were purchased before the year 2000. This would include everything I’m currently wearing except my cardigan (jeans, shirt, tank top undershirt, socks, boots, various undergarments, and fleece jacket), so I may not fully comply.

*Today, I was able to get a radiant sunburn in 60-degree weather by laying out in the hot tub; my lobsterness is complete with all sorts of awkward lines from my bracelets, my hair, and where my book was resting on my leg. Muff sat out with us and told us stories about what dating was like when she was in college, meeting our grandfather, and the different jobs she had through the years. This was probably my personal highlight of the trip, and the one that Hallmark would appreciate most (it is Hallmark’s special day today after all).

Anyway, dearest Fredrick, I hope you are having an equally splendid Valentine’s Day and are being showered with gifts by your many admirers worldwide. So far I have received two new thongs from my mother (my sister, mother and I all got matching ones) and this nifty tape measure from Bob, my step-grandfather.

He gave it to me last night after a couple of glasses of Scotch. You always need a tape measure, he tells me, and it can fit right in my purse or go on my key chain! It seems to have been a freebie from his bank.

In the hopes of winning your heart, Fred, I am sending you this virtual gift basket as a humble offering to demonstrate my undying affection for you. Enjoy.



P.S. Where did the captions go on this?

P.P.S. After skimming this article on why France is the best place in the world to live, I think you should try to get pregnant immediately. I am sure Jeannie will agree after reading it, too.


~ by soleilsphere on February 15, 2010.

4 Responses to “Valentine’s Day with the Fallisses”

  1. anniedearest:
    did i miss something? were you spending vday with yr family bc your life partner (yes im jealous) was celebrating the recently issued International Olympic Committee “made-you-look” decree? Women’s softball WILL rise again in 2012??? I am so underinformed here.
    NO! It must not be! I have to be more up to date with the motherland. Which is why I decided to subscribe to google reader. spending this much time with sean made me realize that i really make no attempts to educate myself. i had forgotten how much of a 40 year old he is and i think i must start making an effort to cultivate myself. i must begin to read things other than pride and prejudice spin offs. so in addition to maybe ‘the times’, i am adding THIS blog!!
    oh happy dayyyy (o happy DA-ay) <–sissy act II style.

    also, seeing South America on this page, down in PRINT made me so excited.
    peace and love. but above all else love.

    THE END.

    • clearly you are more up to date on lesbianish women olympic sports than i. i did not even know that softball got the boot. or did it? i am so confused. typical.

  2. also–hello amanda!!
    sean referenced you an awful lot. do not be alarmed: he parades his female friendships to others in the unsolicited sort of way that grandmothers peddle wallet-sized family photos. well, almost. substitute the polite head-nodding with a barely-concealed eye roll (or in annie’s case, a not at all concealed criticism) and you more or less get the sentiment.

  3. Annie, you are hilarious. I can’t believe I didn’t even KNOW about this trip! It’s a shame, too, b/c I could use a new thong.

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